So he has a girlfriend...Well, his exact words were "currently seeing someone right now." And I have to see him fourth block.I don't regret telling him that I like him. Not in the least. You see, it's everything else that I regret. I regret avoiding him after the football game. I regret not hugging him back when he hugged me. I regret not looking dead into those blue/green eyes and asking right then and there "What are the chances?" I'm not a waiter. I never have been and swore never to be. Men to me are some infectious desease out to destory your heart. I almost had myself convinced I was a lesbian and I would have been fine with that, never having to give my heart to...a man. Then he had to deep me down, like some sence from Dirty Dancing, and looking into his eyes I knew right then I was hooked. I guess it's because he was my first boyfriend, why I never forgot him. I was only thirteen at the time, he was twelve. Something that feels so long ago seems like it was only yesterday. I broke up with him in eighth grade so I could go to the Sweetheart Dance with another boy, who was all over the girl he liked when we were there. Ever since, something bad has happened at the Sweetheart Dance. I'm convinced that dance is cursed and a few times almost didn't go because of it. I regret not going to that dance with him, more than anything. We probably wouldn't have lasted, but I didn't have to leave him, not right then, not for that reason. I didn't like him anymore, but I could have at least gone to that dance with him. Four years later, I'm fretting over the same boy, the one I swore I could never like again. I would have dreams about him, through these years. I've had a handful of boyfriends since him and he's had a few girlfriends, but with every single boy I ever dated, whenever we would start going out and then again we would break up, I would dream about him. I won't say his name, because I'm afraid someone I know may read this and I really don't want anyone knowing this. No one that I know. But this is it. This is what I have been thinking of all weekend. I was advised to tell him today how I felt. But how do I do that? What do I say? There is so much more to the story then I just liked him once when I was younger and that was it. It is so much more than that. But of course, it always is, and in time, I'll tell you why I hate men and why I can't trust and why I feel so alone and broken at times. You may have a guess and you may be right. But now is not the time. That is for another day. But, my friend, you are about to witness a part of me many will never see. I may seem over dramatic, but admit, this is a pretty good read, if you're into this kind of thing. I can't wait until fourth block. I've reheared it in my mind for the past three days, like a speech in Language class, and I know that as soon as I'm up there in front of the podium, and all eyes are on me, I'm going to go blank. I'll talk to him before I change for colorguard, in the hallway in front of the bandroom. I'll look at him and tell him I'm sorry. That's all that I'm sure of that I will say. I'm sorry. I'm sorry not for telling you. I'm sorry not for liking you. I'm sorry for hurting you. Because I know I did. And I wish for anything to take it back. I'm not just saying this now, because I like you, but I've always felt like this. Please believe me. If you really like her, I will by no means stand in your way. Because if you are happy, I may not like that it isn't with me, but I'll let you go. I'll let you get on with your life. But I must know...(because I heard from a friend of his he did)....Do you feel anything for me, anything at all? If you like her, fine. Just tell me. I'd rather know now then wonder later. If we have a chance, I'll wait. (Five minutes left for this entry). I'll wait..... I've never waited on anybody before. Never really wanted to. Maybe it's because he was my first boyfriend, why I never forgot him. I would always secreatly say he was my first love. Puppy love is still love and still feels as real as anything. I can only hope he feels the same....
Nothing much new except Bailey decided he was going to have a treat of cat food this morning he probable ate ½ cup a least…so now it looks like the food will have to go back on top the washer again. His belly already looks better and I haven't noticed him scratching too much. Still loves to do the low crawl and rub his belly on the carpet .
PC 6.7
Hi Everyone. As you can see I have changed to a new websitefor my online journal. Turns out my original blog website, wordpress.com, isbanned by the Chinese government. Thus I was not able to access the websitevery often even if I had good internet connection. I guess even with all thewestern influences, something about freedom of expression they just aren'tready to adopt yet. I searched around online and found this journal site, whichhas not yet been banned by the Chinese government. Hopefully it'll stay hiddenfrom them long enough for me to finish this program and not have to search outfor another website. So here is a little update about what I have been up to forthe last two weeks.
Last Week: Julie and I traveled to a district southeast ofthe capital city of Xining calledHai Dong. We toured 3 townships and went to monitor and asses some of thevaccination events in the schools. We also started a random survey of 6500 kidsto asses their baseline knowledge regarding Hepatitis B. The survey willcontinue for the rest of this month after which Julie and I will start theeducation program.
I must say it was an amazing feeling going to the schools toparticipate in the vaccination of these kids. They are the liveliest kids I'veever met. Even though their environment was quite depressing they were filledwith hope and spirit. These kids, ages 6-12, grow up in very difficultenvironments. They live in the most rural areas where they have to walk up toan hour to get to school everyday. Can you imagine, an 8 year old, walking for40mins in the freezing cold of winter through mud filled streets to go toschool everyday? Their shoes are nothing more than a few layers of cloth,patched up from years before. All they have to eat for breakfast is a few steamedpieces of dough with no filling because the sheep that they have raised is tooprecious to eat and instead must be sold in the city to make money. Looking attheir little red wind tore faces contrasted against smiles filled withchildhood dreams; I realized the importance of this project.
The kids were very excited about the vaccination, all liningup and pulling their sleeves up with huge smiles on their faces. The boys wouldfight over who gets the shot first. Some of the girls would be a littlefearful, but after the shot was given they would walk proudly back to the groupand announce that it didn't hurt at all. Of course there were the occasionalcriers, who refused to get the shot, but with a little hoaxing we were able toget past their tears and get them to stretch out their arms.
During the vaccination events, Julie and I monitored forproper practices such as needle disposal, proper handling of the vaccinationand making sure all the kids in the school get vaccinated. This is the firstprogram most of these schools have ever participated in. They were verysupportive and corporative even if it meant disrupting an entire morning worthof classes.
For the most part the project is going very smoothly. Themost difficult aspect we have encountered so far is trying to work through allthe bureaucracy that exists in China.To get anything done in this country you have to go through so many heads ofthis department and that department. No one is intent on getting anything donein a timely manner especially if it is fiscally related. Offices are filledwith people just sitting around chain smoking. And right when you think youhave finally accomplished finding your way through the maze, somemiscommunication or confusion sends you right back to the beginning. It isincredibly frustrating! Thankfully this project is supported by the nationalCDC thus everyone makes more of an effort to help us out.
This Week: Julie and I are working with two film makers fromBeijing, Aaron and Adam. These twoCaucasian guys, one British and the other American, now live and work in Chinamaking films about healthcare and other social disparities. They have beenhired by the Stanford Asian Liver Centerto cover this Qinghai vaccinationand education program.
For the rest of this week we will be the district Hai Dong,in the countryside. Aaron and Adam will be filming vaccination events and alsointerviewing some students, family members and doctors. Julie and I will beserving as translators and somewhat guides in this area which we are startingto become more familiar with. I will write more about it in the next post.
On a different note, I am thankful I have not yet experiencedany food poisoning. I have been very careful to not eat anything I am unsureof. Our living arrangements have been okay. All the places we have stayed at sofar have a working shower and western style toilet (normal Chinese toiletsconsist of a hole in the ground). Sometimes the rooms are a bit dirty or thetoilet is not exactly working, but all in all it is much better than I thoughtit would be. Here are two sites to check out some photos From when Juile and I were in Xining: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2051439&l=5d799&id=13301826 The first round of vacinations: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2052286&l=b2e92&id=13301826
once again we are back to the car saga now it needs a bearing replaced and guess what he wants a new car again i get sick and tired of "have you seen this car in this mag " and "well it wont last forever "and the best one of all is "this one has better miles to the gallon" god i hate cars what ever happened to getting the bus .before we met i always took the bus the only cars i used was a taxi on shopping days .now he also wants a new job or so he says i have been emailing his cv to allsorts of companys but nothing yet well one looks promising so lets hope he gets it .one good thing is my son now loves school as he has been moved into another class away from all the bullies and he thinks it is fantastic lets hope it lasts .
Happy Birthday to ME! BLAA!! Whoptie Do! the big 32~ :( Nothing Big at all, just a regular day but I felt sorry for myself pretty much all day because it wasn't anything "special" I made CN go buy me a Pie from Perkins! I ate 1/2 of it!
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